"My wife a great driver, she once..." - Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

“My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.”

“I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.”

“I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.”

“Europeans, like some Americans, drive on the right side of the road, except in England, where they drive on both sides of the road; Italy, where they drive on the sidewalk; and France, where if necessary they will follow you right into the hotel lobby.”

“You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.”

“I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.”

“It's only because of their stupidity that they're able to be so sure of themselves.”

“Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.”

“The stupid are invincible.”