“You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.”

“The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.”

“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.”

“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”

“I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.”

“Adult males are what their moms designed them.”

“Cannot we let [children] be themselves, and enjoy life in their own way? You are trying to make another you. One's enough.”

“What art can paint or gild any object in after life with the glow which nature gives to the first baubles of childhood? St. Peter's cannot have the magical power over us that the red and gold covers of our first picture-book possessed.”

“Lord, I could not endure a husband with a beard on his face! I had rather lie in the woolen.”

“There is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do nothing but rail.”

“I will not be sworn but love may transform me to an oyster”

“The health of the eye seems to demand a horizon. We are never tired, so long as we can see far enough.”

“Canst thou not minister to a mind diseased, Pluck from the memory a rooted sorrow, Raze out the written troubles of the brain”

“Better be with the dead,Whom we to gain our peace, have sent to peace,Than on the torture of the mind to lieIn restless ecstasy.”

“He was not so much brain as earwax”

“There is two types of Larceny, Petty and Grand. They are supposed to be the same in the eyes of the law, but judges always put a little extra on you for Petty, which is kind of a fine for stupidness.”

“For my part, I am very much more afraid of the man who does a bad thing and does not know it is bad than of the man who does a bad thing and knows it is bad; because I think that in public affairs stupidity is more dangerous than knavery, because harder to fight and dislodge.”