"Apparently, one in five people in the..." - Quote by Tim Vine

“I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.”

“People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.”

“For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.”

“I want my food dead. Not sick, not dying, dead.”

“A positive attitude and a sense of humor go together like biscuits and gravy.”

“We all joke about Congress but we can't improve on them. Have you noticed that no matter who we elect, he is just as bad as the one he replaces?”

“The fundamental laws are in the long run merely statements that every event is itself and not some different event.”

“Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?”

“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”