"So I rang up my local swimming..." - Quote by Tim Vine

“People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.”

“I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.”

“So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'”

“Black beauty - he's a dark horse.”

“I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.”

“So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.”

“So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.”

“Hear no evil, speak no evil, and you won't be invited to cocktail parties.”

“When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.”