"Oh, I was an ugly kid. My..." - Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

“Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.”

“I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.”

“I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.”

“Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.”

“When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.”

“Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'”

“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”

“You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.”

“The difference between literature and journalism is that journalism is unreadable and literature is not read.”