"I asked my old man if I..." - Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

“Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.”

“Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.”

“I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.”

“My father and mother split and I never saw my father until I was 20, nor did I see much more of my mother.”

“Part of why you love your parents is because they loved you first. Brands need to do that.”

“When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!”

“Far away, where the swallows take refuge in winter, lived a king who had eleven sons and one daughter, Elise. The eleven brothers--they were all princes--used to go to school with stars on their breasts and swords at their sides. They wrote upon golden slates with diamond pencils, and could read just as well without a book as with one, so there was no mistake about their being princes. Their sister Elise sat upon a little footstool of looking-glass, and she has a picture-book which had cost the half of a kingdom. Oh, these children were very happy; but it was not to last thus forever.”

“When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"”

“For the sadness in legitimate humour consists in the fact that honestly and without deceit it reflects in a purely human way upon what it is to be a child.”