"You see I'm against hunting, in fact..." - Quote by Tim Vine

“Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.”

“So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."”

“I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.”

“There is nothing more frustrating than a good example.”

“I'm the only person who has ever found the right way to build an autobiography.”

“Winning the election is a good-news, bad-news kind of thing. Okay, now you're the mayor. The bad news is, now you're the mayor.”

“Epitaphs are cheap, and they do a poor chap a world of good after he is dead, especially if he had hard luck while he was alive. I wish they were used more.”

“A sheep in sheep's clothing.”

“Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.”