"One time my whole family played hide..." - Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

“She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.”

“I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.”

“She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.”

“I know of no realm of life that can provide more companionship in a lonely world or greater feelings of security and purpose in chaotic times than the close ties of a family.”

“I've been my mom's kitchen helper since I was a little kid.”

“My father used to call me the laughing hyena.”

“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.”

“When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.”

“Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.”