"So I rang up a local building..." - Quote by Tim Vine
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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“So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'”
“So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".”
“Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.”
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“So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'”
“So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."”
“So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.”
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“There's a test they can do to determine a baby's gender ahead of time; I think they insert a tiny photo of Leonardo DiCaprio into the uterus, and if the baby punches it, it's a boy.”
“I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.”
“I hate all sports as rabidly as a person who likes sports hates common sense.”