"So I told my mum that I'd..." - Quote by Tim Vine

“Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.”

“Black beauty - he's a dark horse.”

“So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.”

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.”

“So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'”

“I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.”

“Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.”

“You've got a goal in life. I've got a goal. Now all we need is a football team.”

“I took cooking classes when I was younger; girls weren't interested in me, and I thought I may be alone for the rest of my life.”