"Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is..." - Quote by Tim Vine

“I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.”

“My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.”

“I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.”

“Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.”

“So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'”

“So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'”

“A love affair should always be a honeymoon. And the only way to make sure of that is to keep changing the man; for the same man can never keep it up.”

“It's probably a twelve-day. He needs two days to wake up.”

“When clever people ask me whereI get a poem, I despair.”