"I'd like to start with the chimney..." - Quote by Tim Vine

“I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.”

“I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.”

“So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.”

“I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.”

“So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'”

“So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'”

“If husbands could realize what large returns of profit may be gotten out of a wife by a small word of praise paid over the counter when the market is just right, they would bring matters around the way they wish them much oftener than they usually do. Arguments are unsafe with wives, because they examine them; but they do not examine compliments. One can pass upon a wife a compliment that is three-fourths base”

“I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.”

“Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.”