"I once spent a year in Philadelphia,..." - Quote by W C Fields

“A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.”

“The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .”

“There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.”

“Sailors have the cleanest bodies and the filthiest minds.”

“American English is essentially English after having been wiped off with a dirty sponge.”

“The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.”

“If I'm going to a new country, I try to learn something about the language and the culture, so I don't just go bumbling over things.”

“Today you may write a chapter on the advantages of traveling, and tomorrow you may write another chapter on the advantages of not traveling.”

“Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.”