W. C. Fields Quotes

I like children - fried.

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!

I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.

It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.

It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

I drink with impunity...or anyone else who invites me.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.

I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.

I'm searching for loopholes.

The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .

If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.

All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.

It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.

Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner.

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

I never drink water... fish f**k in it.

This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically.

Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.

Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't.

So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.

If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.

The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature...no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike.

Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.

The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.

I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.

All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!