"You may not be able to read..." - Quote by Earl Wilson

“A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings.”

“If you look like your passport photo, in all probability you need the journey.”

“If you wouldn't write it and sign it, don't say it.”

“I am not an American. I am the American.”

“Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.”

“[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.”

“I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!”

“The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that "hmmmm" noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won't come right out and say "UH-oh!"”

“What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.”