“If you wouldn't write it and sign it, don't say it.”

“To sell something, tell a woman it's a bargain; tell a man it's deductible.”

“An exhaustive study of police records shows that no woman has ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes.”

“A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings.”

“Many a standing ovation has been caused by someone jumping to his feet in an effort to beat the rest of the audience to the parking lot.”

“But when ill indeed, Even dismissing the doctor don't always succeed.”

“A physician is an unfortunate gentleman who is every day required to perform a miracle; namely to reconcile health with intemperance.”

“I know of nothing more laughable than a doctor who does not die of old age.”