"I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen...." - Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

“When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.”

“My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark”

“When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.”

“It is hard enough luck being a monarch, without being a target also.”

“Most married couples, even though they love each other very much in theory, tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies, the result of being that they get on each other's nerves and regularly erupt into vicious emotional shouting matches over such issues as toaster settings.”

“How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.”

“I am where I am because of the bridges I have crossed.”

“Make it a habit to tell people thank you. To express your appreciation, sincerely and without the expectation of anything in return. Truly appreciate those around you, and you'll soon find many others around you. Truly appreciate life, and you'll find that you have more of it.”

“How could there be any question of acquiring or possessing, when the one thing needful for a man is to become - to be at last, and to die in the fullness of his being.”