"Bert Williams was the funniest man I..." - Quote by W C Fields

“You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.”

“A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.”

“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.”

“Imagination could never invent the number of different contradictions that exist innately in each person's heart.”

“After all, what would be "beautiful" if the contradiction had not first become conscious of itself, if the ugly had not first said to itself: "I am ugly"?.”

“All natural happiness thus seems infected with a contradiction. The breath of the sepulchre surrounds it.”

“Wit makes its own welcome, and levels all distinctions. No dignity, no learning, no force of character, can make any stand against good wit.”

“All babies look like me.But then, I look like all babies.”

“Stuffwise we are not a lean operation. We're the kind of people who, if we were deciding what absolute minimum essential items we'd need to carry in our backpacks for the final, treacherous ascent to the summit of Mount Everest, would take along aquarium filters, just in case.”