"When I was a kid I got..." - Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

“I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.”

“You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.”

“Man, who don't like spaghetti?”

“When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."”

“Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.”

“When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.”

“I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.”

“…a lady of what is commonly called an uncertain temper --a phrase which being interpreted signifies a temper tolerably certain to make everybody more or less uncomfortable.”

“Never take ecstasy, beer, baccardi, weed, pepto bismol, vivarin, tums, tagamet hb, xanax, and valium in the same day. It makes it difficult to sleep at night.”