"You can't trust water: Even a straight..." - Quote by W C Fields

“What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?”

“It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.”

“I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.”

“What is perfectly true is perfectly witty.”

“Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.”

“Keep your virginity for as long as you can, until it starts to feel weird to you. Then just get it over with.”

“Two may keep counsel putting one away!”

“There have always existed three ways of keeping the people loving and loyal. One is to leave them alone, to trust them and not to interfere. This plan, however, has very seldom beenpractised, because the politicians regard the public as a cow to be milked, and something must be done to make it stand quiet.”

“I'll take thy word for faith, not ask thine oath; Who shuns not to break one will sure crack both.”