"I looked up my family tree and..." - Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

“My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."”

“I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.”

“My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.”

“I'm very consistent about spending time with family. And when you have dinner with your daughters - they'll keep you in your place and they'll teach you something about perspective.”

“We know, for instance, that there is a direct, inverse relationship between frequency of family meals and social problems. Bluntly stated, members of families who eat together regularly are statistically less likely to stick up liquor stores, blow up meth labs, give birth to crack babies, commit suicide, or make donkey porn. If Little Timmy had just had more meatloaf, he might not have grown up to fill chest freezers with Cub Scout parts.”

“My father had a small Estate in Nottinghamshire; I was the Third of five Sons.”

“Building slow destroyers ! One might as well breed slow race horses.”

“I am accustomed to hearing malicious falsehoods about myself . . . But I think I have a right to resent, to object to libelous statements about my dog.”

“And there's one thing about this underground work, we shan't get any rain.”