"So I went down my local ice-cream..." - Quote by Tim Vine
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
More by Tim Vine
“My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."”
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.”
“I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.”
More on Pun
“So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'”
“I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.”
“I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'”
More on Humor
“The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.”
“One day soon you will meet a man, and he will rise like a phoenix from the ashes, and it is my greatest hope that he will not give you syphilis.”
“I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.”