"Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My..." - Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

“She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.”

“For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.”

“I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.”

“The worst drugs are as bad as anybody's told you. It's just a dumb trip, which I can't condemn people if they get into it, because one gets into it for one's own personal, social, emotional reasons. It's something to be avoided if one can help it.”

“Herb is the healing of a nation, alcohol is the destruction.”

“In terms of coke, the only money I ever thought about was that dollar bill I had stuck up my nose.”

“A man ought to be able to be fond of his wife without making a fool of himself about her.”

“A man should have two wives: one to love and one to sew on his buttons.”

“It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.”