"What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine...." - Quote by W C Fields

“I like children - fried.”

“Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!”

“It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.”

“If all politicians fished instead of spoke publicly, we would be at peace with the world.”

“There is nothing like instances to grow hair on a bald-headed argument.”

“Self-respect - The secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious.”

“I loved the angiogram. They stick a thing in your thigh and it goes all the way up to your heart. Isn't that a thrill? Well, at least the nurse scored thigh.”

“Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.”

“When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.”