"My wife isn't very bright. The other..." - Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

“I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.”

“I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.”

“To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.”

“Everybody has a right to be stupid, but some people abuse the privilege.”

“He was not so much brain as earwax”

“I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."”

“The proper basis for marriage is mutual misunderstanding. The happiness of a married man depends on the people he has not married. One should always be in love - that's the reason one should never marry.”

“A man should have two wives: one to love and one to sew on his buttons.”

“Get married, in any case. If you happen to get a good mate, you will be happy; if a bad one, you will become philosophical, which is a fine thing in itself.”