"I like thieves. Some of my best..." - Quote by W C Fields

“Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.”

“The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.”

“The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.”

“On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.”

“I know the hole he went in at, but I can't tell you what hole he will come out of.”

“No one has ever seen a Republican mass meeting that was devoid of the perception of the ludicrous.”

“Suppose . . . burglars had made entry into this . . . [library]. Picture them seated here on this floor, pouring the light of their dark-lanterns over some books they found, and thus absorbing moral truths and getting moral uplift. The whole course of their lives would have been changed. As it was, they kept straight on in their immoral way and were sent to jail. For all I know, they may next be sent to Congress.”

“There is two types of Larceny, Petty and Grand. They are supposed to be the same in the eyes of the law, but judges always put a little extra on you for Petty, which is kind of a fine for stupidness.”

“If anyone knew where they were, I'd send the ISDBB (Incredibly Stupid and Dumb Beyond Belief) award to the two guys who tried to break in to the Ohio penitentiary.”