"My wife met me at the door..." - Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

“Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.”

“Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'”

“What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.”

“Young women with ambitions should be very crafty and cautious, lest mayhap they be caught in the soft, silken mesh of a happy marriage, and go down to oblivion, dead to the world.”

“If women believed in their husbands they would be a good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish.”

“The best thing a parent can do for a child is to love his or her spouse.”

“Ay me! for aught that I could ever read, Could ever hear by tale or history, The course of true love never did run smooth. But, either it was different in blood,- Or else it stood upon the choice of friends,- Or, if there were a sympathy in choice, War, death, or sickness did lay siege to it.”

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”

“If marriage were only bed, we could have made it.”