"I told my doctor I wonna stop..." - Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

“When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.”

“My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.”

“I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“Though I have many words,What woman's satisfied,I am no longer faintBecause at her side?O who could have foretoldThat the heart grows old?”

“I am a little deaf, a little blind, a little important and on top of this are two or three abominable infirmities, but nothing destroys my hope.”

“I was never great, but I was a good [basketball] player, and I could play seriously. Now I'm like one of these old guys who's running around, and the guys I play with, who are all a lot younger, they sort of pity me and sympathize with me. They tolerate me, but we all know that I'm the weak link on the court. And I don't like being the weak link.”

“The jovial party broke up next morning. Breakings-up are capital things in our school-days, but in after life they are painful enough. Death, self-interest, and fortune's changes, are every day breaking up many a happy group, and scattering them far and wide; and the boys and girls never come back again.”

“Live fast, die young, leave a good looking corpse.”

“Maman died today. Or yesterday maybe, I don't know. I got a telegram from the home: 'Mother deceased. Funeral tomorrow. Faithfully yours.' That doesn't mean anything. Maybe it was yesterday.”