Dark Humor Quotes

“Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have to kill someone on the subway. That's why there are so many subway murders; no one has a car.”

“We are all precancerous.”

“There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.”

“I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had.”

“If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.”

“Firefly: Where is your husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead. Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end. Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away. Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him. Firefly: Oh I see. Then, it was murder.”

“If you can't say something nice about a person, go ahead”

“Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.”

“I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.”

“If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.”

“I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.”

“I enjoy watching a woman with really bad teeth and a good sense of humor struggling to use her lips and tongue to hide her teeth when she's laughing. I just stand there and tell her joke after joke after joke.”

“Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.”

“Sometimes I'd like to stuff all Jews (myself included) into the drawer of a laundry basket. then open it to see if they've suffocated”

“Cuz this is what happens when bad meets evilWe hit the trees till we look like Vietnamese people”

“If that mockingbird don't sing and that ring don't shine, I'm a break that birdie's neck.”

“Me and Marcus Allen went over to see NicoleWe heard a knock at the door, must have been Ron Gold'Jumped behind the door, put the orgy on holdKilled em both and smeared blood on the white Bronco”

“Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.”

“Sign at a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.”

“maybe somebody finally shot the dog.”

“He would make a lovely corpse.”