"The nation needs to return to the..." - Quote by W C Fields

“The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.”

“If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.”

“I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.”

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.”

“Black men - one might be the president. Well, America's in too much trouble - I don't want that job now.”

“I tell people view the federal government as a source of entertainment. It's a lot easier.”

“If they are ignorant, they are despised, if learned, mocked. In love they are reduced to the status of courtesans. As wives they are treated more as servants than as companions. Men do not love them: they make use of them, they exploit them, and expect, in that way, to make them subject to the law of fidelity.”

“I'm married to an Italian woman, and I used to love cooking Italian at home, because it's one-pot cooking. But my wife does not approve of my Italian cooking.”

“Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.”