"One night she told me to put..." - Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

“I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.”

“I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.”

“I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.”

“There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.”

“A man’s best friend is a good wife.”

“The fundamental trouble with marriage is that it shakes a man's confidence in himself, and so greatly diminishes his general competence and effectiveness. His habit of mind becomes that of a commander who has lost a decisive and calamitous battle. He quite trusts himself thereafter.”

“I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt.”

“I'm married to an Italian woman, and I used to love cooking Italian at home, because it's one-pot cooking. But my wife does not approve of my Italian cooking.”

“I'm a decent cook; I'm a decent chef. None of my friends would ever have hired me at any point in my career. Period.”