"She was so ugly that I took..." - Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

“Life is just a bowl of pits.”

“My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."”

“Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!”

“With age comes wisdom, but sometimes age comes alone.”

“When clever people ask me whereI get a poem, I despair.”

“His jest will savour but of shallow wit, When thousands weep, more than did laugh at it.”

“Why is it you always meet people when you look your worst?”

“Like a man made after supper of a cheese-paring: when a' was naked, he was, for all the world, like a forked radish, with a head fantastically carved upon it with a knife.”

“My mind works . . . two boobs never get me a job.”