"If pigs had wings, they would be..." - Quote by W C Fields

“I like children - fried.”

“I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.”

“A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.”

“Of the two lots, the woman's lot of perpetual motherhood, and the man's of perpetual babyhood, I prefer the man's.”

“I like intelligent women. When you go out, it shouldn't be a staring contest.”

“Don't give your sons money. Give them horses. Many a good son has been ruined through the acquisition of money but no good son has been ruined through the acquisition of horses. Unless they fell and broke their neck, which when taken at the gallop is a very good death to die.”

“Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?”

“What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”

“The union of the mathematician with the poet, fervor with measure, passion with correctness, this surely is the ideal.”