"my wifes cooking is so bad the..." - Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

“When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.”

“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”

“My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.”

“Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.”

“One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".”

“I'm married to an Italian woman, and I used to love cooking Italian at home, because it's one-pot cooking. But my wife does not approve of my Italian cooking.”

“Here is a relationship booster that is guaranteed to work: Every time your spouse or lover says something stupid make your eyes light up as if you just heard something brilliant.”

“Marriage is to me apostasy, profanation of the sanctuary of my soul, violation of my manhood, sale of my birthright, shameful surrender, ignominious capitulation, acceptance of defeat.”

“My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.”