"The shape I'm in, I could donate..." - Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

“She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).”

“I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!”

“When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.”

“My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.”

“I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.”

“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.”

“There are certain defects which, well-mounted, glitter like virtue itself.”

“I have known a vast quantity of nonsense talked about bad men not looking you in the face. Don't trust that conventional idea. Dishonesty will stare honesty out of countenance any day in the week, if there is anything to be got by it.”

“Reputation is a hall-mark: it can remove doubt from pure silver, and it can also make the plated article pass for pure.”