"I hate it when my leg falls..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.”

“I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.”

“How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?”

“We should not permit prayer to be taken out of the schools; that's the only way most of us got through.”

“A home without a cat — and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat — may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title?”

“How lovely is death; and how niggardly it is doled out.”

“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”

“When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.”

“I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.”