"I got my driver's license photo taken..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?”

“You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.”

“I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.”

“Tongue; well that's a wery good thing when it an't a woman.”

“Ven you read the speeches in the papers, and see as vun gen'lman says of another, 'the Honourable member, if he vill allow me to call him so' you vill understand, sir, that that means, 'if he vill allow me to keep up that 'ere pleasant and uniwersal fiction.'”

“Talking death seriously is one of the tragedies of youth”

“If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.”

“Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.”

“Such squeamish youths as cannot bear to be connected with a little absurdity are not worth a regret.”