"I once locked my keys out of..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.”

“Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?”

“Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?”

“As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path.”

“A poor man who eats too much, as contradistinguished from a gourmand, who is a rich man who ''lives well.''”

“When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.”

“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.”

“The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?”

“I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".”