"I used to own an ant farm..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”

“99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.”

“I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.”

“If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some breadsticks?" "No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll."”

“Now you can't even carry a nail clipper on a plane. Are they afraid you're going to go..."All right! Give me the plane or the b*tch loses her cuticle." ?”

“I'm offering a special prize for the first Buick on the moon.”

“The American people aren't overtaxed. The government in Washington is overfed. The main difference between ourselves and the other side is: we see an America where every day is the Fourth of July. They see an America where every day is April 15.”

“It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.”

“I've never vied for power in the family before. Pointing a box at the garage door and saying "Open!" was never a big deal, but holding that television tuner and realizing I alone control what is flashed on the screen brings out the Iacocca in me.”