"One year they asked me to be..." - Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

“I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.”

“My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.”

“She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.”

“I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.”

“I don't get no respect, no respect at all!”

“When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.”

“Through tattered clothes great vices do appear; Robes and furred gowns hide all. Plate sin with gold and the strong lance of justice hurtless breaks. Arm it in rags, a pigmy's straw does pierce it.”

“I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”

“There is an optical illusion about every person we meet.”