"My mother had morning sickness after I..." - Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

“I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.”

“You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.”

“I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.”

“And they both began to laugh over nothing as children will when they are happy together. And they laughed so that in the end they were making as much noise as if they had been two ordinary healthy natural ten-year-old creatures—instead of a hard, little, unloving girl and a sickly boy who believed that he was going to die.”

“When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.”

“As I get older, my childhood self becomes more accessible to me, but selectively, in images as stylized and suspect as moments remembered from a novel read years ago.”

“You don't have to deserve your mother's love. You have to deserve your father's.”

“I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."”

“When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back”