"Hey, did somebody step on a duck?..." - Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

“Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.”

“I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.”

“Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.”

“My weaknesses have always been food and men - in that order.”

“When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.”

“Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.”