"My wife has to be the worst..." - Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

“One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!”

“I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.”

“She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.”

“Bad food is made without pride, by cooks who have no pride, and no love. Bad food is made by chefs who are indifferent, or who are trying to be everything to everybody, who are trying to please everyone. Bad food is fake food, food that shows fear and lack of confidence in people's ability to discern or to make decisions about their lives.”

“My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.”

“I wanted it to look like real cooking in someone's real home or just so out-of-there bizarre that it would be fun.”

“Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.”

“In countries where there is no marriage, there is no duty between husband and wife; when marriage comes, husband and wife live together on account of attachment; and that kind of living together becomes settled after generations; and when it becomes so settled, it becomes a duty.”

“Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped.”