"In the school I went to, they..." - Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

“If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.”

“I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.”

“When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.”

“We should not permit prayer to be taken out of the schools; that's the only way most of us got through.”

“There is, on the whole, nothing on earth intended for innocent people so horrible as a school. To begin with, it is a prison. But in some respects more cruel than a prison. In a prison, for instance, you are not forced to read books written by the warders and the governor. . . .In the prison you are not forced to sit listening to turnkeys discoursing without charm or interest on subjects that they don't understand and don't care about, and therefore incapable of making you understand or care about. In a prison they may torture your body; but they do not torture your brains.”

“The schoolmaster is the person who takes the children off the parents' hands for a consideration. That is to say, he establishes a child prison, engages a number of employee schoolmasters as turnkeys, and covers up the essential cruelty and unnaturalness of the situation by torturing the children if they do not learn, and calling this process, which is within the capacity of any fool or blackguard, by the sacred name of Teaching.”

“It looks to me like the candidates are trying to relieve the farmer of his vote, instead of his debts.”

“Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!”

“The age of chivalry is past. Bores have succeeded to dragons.”