"My wife is always trying to get..." - Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

“My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.”

“I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.”

“I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.”

“Without thinking highly either of men or of matrimony, marriage had always been her object; it was the only honourable provision for well-educated young women of small fortune, and however uncertain of giving happiness, must be their pleasantest preservative from want.”

“I was going with someone for a few years, but we broke up. It was one of those things. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to.”

“Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him.”

“It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.”

“You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.”

“The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.”