"I went to see my doctor... Doctor..." - Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

“I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?”

“My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.”

“When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"”

“People get a kick out of my stupidity.”

“I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.”

“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”

“Always be on time. Never try to make any personal engagements. Do as little talking as humanly possible. Never be disturbed by anything. Always do what you're told to do as quickly as possible. Remember to lean back in a parade, so that people can see your husband. Don't get too fat to ride three on a seat. Get out of the way as quickly as you're not needed.”

“My mother used to tell me: "You gotta smile more. Because if you don't smile, the way you look at people, they'll think you're mad at them."”

“What we take for virtue is often but an assemblage of various ambitions and activities that chance, or our own astuteness, have arranged in a certain manner; and it is not always out of courage or purity that men are brave, and women chaste.”