Humorist Quotes

“It's almost worth the Great Depression to learn how little our big men know.”

“You know, women always could endure more than men. Not only physically, but mentally - did you ever get a peek at some of the husbands?”

“The minute a thing is long and complicated, it confuses. Whoever wrote the Ten Commandments made 'em short. They may not always be kept, but they are understood.”

“The business of government is to keep the government out of business - that is, unless business needs government aid.”

“When you figure it right down, none of us are in a really essential business but the farmer, and he raises so much that even his business is partly non-essential.”

“What's considered enough money? Just a little bit more.”

“Live your life so that whenever you lose, you are ahead.”

“Andrew Jackson was the first one to think up the idea to promise everybody that if they will vote for you, you will give them an office when you get it, and the more times they vote for you, the bigger the office.”

“Labor Day, I suppose set by an Act of Congress. Everything we do nowadays is either by, or against, Acts of Congress. How Congress knew anything about Labor is beyond us.”

“Many a politician wishes there was a law to burn old records.”

“I don't think you can make a lawyer honest by an act of legislature. You've got to work on his conscience. And his lack of conscience is what makes him a lawyer.”

“Things in our country run in spite of government, not by aid of it.”

“We have the best Congress that money can buy.”

“A comedian can only last till he either takes himself serious or his audience takes him serious.”

“The president says, 'There is lots of people worse off than the Farmers.' I don't know who it could be unless it is the fellow who holds the Mortgages on the Farms.”

“The reason political party platforms are so long is that when you straddle anything it takes a long time to explain it.”

“There is two types of Larceny, Petty and Grand. They are supposed to be the same in the eyes of the law, but judges always put a little extra on you for Petty, which is kind of a fine for stupidness.”

“The Democrats and the Republicans are equally corrupt where money is concerned. It's only in the amount where the Republicans excel.”

“This thing of being a hero, about the main thing to it is to know when to die.”

“A holding company is the people you give your money to while you're being searched.”

“If you ever injected truth into politics you would have no politics.”

“They have passed the big inheritance tax, and that gets you when you are gone. You used to could die and be able to beat taxes, but not now. The undertaker don't go over your body as carefully as the assessor does your accumilated assets, and he gets his before the undertaker. They have it on these big fortunes now where they pay as high as 60 to 70 percent of what they leave. That's mighty expensive dying when it runs into money like that, and you won't see 'em dropping off as casually as they have been.”

“There is nothing as easy as denouncing. It don't take much to see that something is wrong, but it does take some eyesight to see what will put it right again”

“So the question rises: How much liberty can you get away with? Well, you get no more liberty than you give!”

“After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.”