Erma Bombeck Quotes

“Grandmas can shed the yoke of responsibility, relax and enjoy their grandchildren in a way that was not possible when they were raising their own children. And they can glow in the realisation that here is their seed of life that will harvest generations to come.”

“What does it profit a 78-year-old woman to sit around the pool in a bikini if she cannot feed herself?”

“A grandparent will accept your calls from anywhere, collect.”

“No One Diets on Thanksgiving.”

“One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.”

“When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.”

“It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.”

“Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.”

“Phrases and their actual meanings: My teacher has never liked me. Expect a phone call before lunch from the teacher informing you that your child has been launching hot dogs by compressing them inside a small Thermos and then removing the lid quickly.”

“Occasionally, once a speaker is on his feet, it is difficult to get him to sit down. ... If and when he returns to earth, he notices half of the room is paging the other half and a few are playing with the melted candles.”

“I firmly believe kids don't want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your blinding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you're in big trouble.”

“Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises.”

“I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.”

“People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.”

“There would have been more 'I love you's' and more, 'I'm sorry's'.”

“Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.”

“As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.”

“There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.”

“Never have more children than you have car windows.”

“My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.”

“If anyone knew where they were, I'd send the ISDBB (Incredibly Stupid and Dumb Beyond Belief) award to the two guys who tried to break in to the Ohio penitentiary.”

“You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home.”

“The term 'working mother' is redundant.”

“Success is outliving your failures”

“If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?”