Mitch Hedberg Quotes

“I`ve not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn't understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, "This is what I'm doing for sure." I was so excited.”

“My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?”

“I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.”

“I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.”

“Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. "I don't think this dude can see."”

“I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?”

“I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing.”

“I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.”

“If you're watching a parade, don't follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast-forward the parade.”

“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?”

“Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!”

“I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.”

“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”

“I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"”

“I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.”

“I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.”

“I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.”

“Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss”

“Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. "Cheeseburgers?" "Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets."”

“Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.”

“Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.”

“If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"”

“A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.”

“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.”

“I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.”