The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
Hiring someone to write your autobiography is like hiring someone to take a bath for you
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
If women ran the world there would be no wars. However every 28 days there would be some very intense negotiations.
If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.
Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.
You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number, but often they'll use too many letters? "Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting." Too many letters, man, must I dial them all? "Hello? Hold on, man, I'm only on 'Enjoy.' How did you know I was calling? You're good, I can see why they hired you!"
Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.
The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!
Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!
I had amnesia once or twice.
I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'"
The things we fear the most have already happened to us.
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!
Being in the same room with people and creating something together is a good thing.
Three wishes - no substitutes, exchanges or refunds
I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, "you'll have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana
My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
There was no need to inform us of the protocol involved. We were from Chicago and knew all about cement.
Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
Everyone has the right to run his own life- even if you're heading for a crash. What I'm against is blind flying.
Stand-up is the place where you can do things that you could never do in public. Once you step on stage you're licensed to do that. It's an understood relationship. You walk on stage - it's your job.
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
One of my favourite actors of all time, although he doesn't necessarily play villains, is Peter Lorre.
I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.
Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
On stage you're free. You can say and do things that if you said and did any place else, you'd be arrested.
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
A woman wouldn't make a bomb that kills you. A woman would make a bomb that makes you feel bad for a while. That's why there should be a woman President. There'd never be any wars, just every twenty-eight days there'd be very intense negotiations.
My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
I loved school, maybe too much, really. I was summa cum laude in high school. I was driven that way.
To make fun of an administration, to make fun of anything, Mark Twain said, is the last defense of democracy.
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.
The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.
The admission fee was a viper's tongue and a half-concealed stiletto. It was a sort of intellectual slaughterhouse.
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.
Sometimes, keeping track of people. It's always a weird combination of worrying so much about the outside world, and not... you have to be more aware of the inner circle, the folks that matter.
Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.
There's a time for daring and there's a time for caution, and a wise man understands which is called for.
It takes two to get one in trouble.
Humor is reason gone mad.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now
One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it.
Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.
