"Like other kids wanted to become firemen..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?”

“I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."”

“If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?”

“Show me a thoroughly satisfied man - and I will show you a failure.”

“Set the kind of goals that will make something of you to achieve them.”

“This fulfils my ambition. I still have my father's robe as Chancellor. I shall be proud to serve you in this splendid office.”

“I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.”

“Statistics have proven that the surest way to get anything out of the public mind and never hear of it again is to have a Senate committee appointed to look into it.”

“Hurray! Congress is to adjourn! Only four more days of Congressional burglary on the Treasury!”